AN ACTOR IN THE FAMILY

by    ..  Jim Kraft

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An Actor in the Family 2

AN ACTOR IN THE FAMILY

A single-set comedy for 4 actors (2M, 2W)

CHARACTERS

JOE STOVER, male, 60s. Financially-secure,  amiable, dreamy, impulsive.
He is usually reined-in by his wife.

MAGGIE STOVER, female, 60s, Joe’s wife. Smart, acerbic, used to being in charge. Maternal, but not motherly,
she loves her son but does not dote on him.

ALAN STOVER, male, mid-30s, their son. Harried, still trying to find his place in life. Torn between being his own man and
making his parents happy.

JAY, female, early 20s, an Uber driver.
Pleasant, but snarky,
she hasn’t found her way in life yet.

SETTING

The living room of the Stover’s
well-to-do home,
somewhere in the Midwest.

TIME

The present

SYNOPSIS

Alan Stover receives an emergency call from his mother. Arriving at his parents’ home, he finds that his retired accountant father is about to leave for NYC, hoping to become a Broadway actor. Alan’s mother wants him to talk his father out of the move. His father’s commitment to his Broadway dream, however, only reminds Alan that his own career — he works at a pirate-themed pancake house — has not fulfilled expectations. And the snarky comments of a young, quirky Uber driver only make him feel worse. In the end, Alan’s father leaves for NY. To Alan’s surprise, his mother decides to follow his father. Alan quits his miserable job and imagines that somehow he will still come out a winner in the game of life.

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Lights up on a comfortable living room
 in a well-to-do home.

MAGGIE STOVER, 60s, sits on the sofa, playing ‘Wordle’ on her phone. She taps 6 times on her phone, pauses, then repeats this action.

MAGGIE

Bleak? Gah! What kind of word is bleak?

JOE STOVER, 60s, enters stage left, carrying folded clothes.

JOE 
Where are my cufflinks?

MAGGIE 
How should I know?

JOE 
You know where everything is.

MAGGIE

I don’t know where anything is anymore. I can’t even solve the Wordle. I broke a fifty-nine day streak, thanks to you.

JOE

I’m sorry for your loss.

MAGGIE

The word bleak. B-L-E-A-K.

JOE

I know. I got it this morning.

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MAGGIE

Then you did it just to spite me.

JOE
Do you know where my cufflinks are?

MAGGIE

Why do you need cufflinks?
Are you going to a ball?

JOE

It’s New York, Maggie. You never know.

MAGGIE

Trust me, Cinderella, you’re not going to a ball.

JOE

Are they in your jewelry box?

MAGGIE

They are where they’ve been for
the last forty years.

JOE

Can you give me a hint?

MAGGIE

I’m not helping you run away from home.

JOE

Never mind, I’ll find them myself. (Hesitates.) I wish you’d come with me.

MAGGIE

Give it up, Joe. I’m not going anywhere
 and neither are you.

JOE

If you only knew what this means to me...

MAGGIE

I know exactly what it means. It means your brain has dropped a stitch. It’s all delusion.

JOE

I’m going, Maggie. With or without you.
I have to pack.

MAGGIE

Of course, of course. Keep packing.
The show must go on.

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JOE exits stage left.

We hear a voice calling offstage left.

ALAN

Hello? Mom?

MAGGIE

In here, Alan!

ALAN STOVER enters. He is a paunchy 
man in his 30s, dressed like a pirate,
with a toy cutlass in his belt.

ALAN

Sorry I took so long. I got your message
on the way to work, so I had to text Larry and
beg him to stay until I get there.
He was not happy about it.

MAGGIE

I hope you didn’t text while you were driving. That’s so dangerous.

ALAN

Don’t worry, I pulled over.

MAGGIE

Would you like me to straighten Larry out?

ALAN

Oh, please don’t.

MAGGIE

One phone call — that’s all it would take.

ALAN

I don’t need you to do that, Mom.

MAGGIE

Very well. But I never treated an employee
the way Larry treats you.

ALAN

Mom, can we forget about Larry? Where’s Dad? You said he was having a problem.

MAGGIE

He’s in the bedroom.

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ALAN

Is he okay? Is he...alive?

MAGGIE

Of course, he’s alive. I’ve only thought about killing him. How are the kids?

ALAN

They’re...uh...they’re fine.
Jake has a game tonight, which
I will have to miss, as usual.

MAGGIE

If you had a different job...

ALAN

Mom, what’s going on with Dad?
Is he sick?

MAGGIE

Not sick...deranged.

ALAN

Deranged? About what?

MAGGIE

He thinks he’s moving to New York.

ALAN

New York City?

MAGGIE

The Big Apple.

ALAN

Why?

MAGGIE

You know your father. Ever since he retired,
he’s been getting these ‘enthusiasms’.
Remember when he wanted to speak Spanish?
He spent all that money on Rosetta
|Stone, then learned just enough to confuse every busboy at the club. And who can
forget his ‘highland fling’ with the bagpipes?
The neighbor’s dog is still in therapy.

ALAN

What does that have to do with New York?

MAGGIE

Everything! About a month ago, Mindy Pangborn gave us two tickets to see
Our Town at the River Playhouse.
Naturally, your dad wanted to stay home
to watch basketball, but Ididn’t want
to go alone and I didn’t want to tell
Mindy we’d wasted her tickets, so I

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reminded your father that he promised
we’d get out more once he retired.
So, he finally agreed to go.
And that’s when this trouble started.
Because he loved the play. Loved it.

ALAN

Good for him. It’s a classic.

MAGGIE

Loved it so much that he dragged me
back there the following night.
I mean, I enjoyed it the first time,
but I wasn’t eager to see it again.
But he insisted. And he loved it even
more the second time.
And the next thing I know,
he’s moved all my gels and lotions off the bathroom shelf and filled it with
stacks of plays. Shakespeare, Arthur Miller,
Sophocles, Germans I never heard of. 
 mean, who reads Hamlet on the toilet?

ALAN

Soooo, he’s going to New York
to see some plays?

MAGGIE

He’s moving to New York to be in some plays.
He wants to become a Broadway actor.

ALAN

That’s crazy!

MAGGIE

That’s what I told him. I said,
‘Joe Stover, you’ll become a Broadway actor,
when I become President of the United States.’

ALAN

What did he say?

MAGGIE

That I could count on his vote.

ALAN

A Broadway actor? He can’t be serious.
I mean, to begin with, he’s too old.
And he has no experience. Even actors
with tons of experience have trouble
finding work. And he’s...Dad.
I mean, if he had any acting talent,
wouldn’t we we have noticed it by now?

MAGGIE

You don’t have to convince me.
The closest he’s come to acting is saying
he likes Kelly’s potato salad.

ALAN

He doesn’t like Kelly’s potato salad?

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MAGGIE

Oh, Alan, we all love Kelly. She’s a wonderful wife and mother. What’s edible potato

salad compared to that? Which reminds me — Have you eaten today? I made some of

my famous chicken salad last night and there’s plenty left over.

ALAN

I ate before I left. When does he plan on moving?

MAGGIE

His plane leaves at 4:05.

ALAN

Today? He’s leaving for New York today? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

MAGGIE

Oh, sweetheart, I didn’t want to burden you with our problems. You have enough to

worry about, what with the kids and your job and that potato salad.

ALAN

I like Kelly’s potato salad.

MAGGIE

You certainly eat enough of it.

ALAN

And I like my job.

MAGGIE

Do you, though? Being the assistant manager at ‘Pirate Pancakes’ seems less than

challenging for someone with a master’s degree.

ALAN

In art history, Mom. Art History. A degree that makes people go, ‘Seriously?’

MAGGIE

Someone has to know the difference between Monet and Manet; why shouldn’t it be

you. I mean, sure, a business degree like mine is more useful...

ALAN

I know you’re not proud of what I’m doing..

MAGGIE

It’s good, honest work that will sustain you until you find your true career.

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ALAN

And what would that be, Mom? Let’s see, I’ve already been a pirate. What’s next? A

cowboy?

MAGGIE

If that’s what you wanted. Although, I’m afraid the saddle would chafe you. You’ve

always had delicate thighs.

ALAN

I won’t have any career, if I don’t get to work before Larry cans me. So, could we just—

MAGGIE

See? That job is causing you too much stress. You don’t sleep right and you don’t eat

right. Now, I can add dried cranberries to the chicken salad. I know you like dried

cranberries. I don’t always add them right away, because your father says they get

stuck in his teeth, but it’s easy enough to stir them in.

ALAN

I don’t need chicken salad. I need to talk about Dad. What should we do about this New

York thing?

MAGGIE

Oh, I don’t know. What did we do about the bagpipes?

ALAN

You went out late one night and threw them in the river.

MAGGIE

Well, that sounds a bit extreme, but — How much room do you have in your trunk?

JOE enters.

JOE

Hey, I thought I heard a familiar voice. (Gestures at ALAN.) ‘That Nature might stand up

and say to all the world, THIS WAS A MAN.’ Shakespeare, Julius Caesar. How are ya,

pal? Did you stop by to wish your old man bon voyage?

ALAN

Dad, we need to talk about this...

Alan’s phone buzzes. He looks at it.

Hold on for a second. I need to call in.

He moves aside, speaks into phone.

Larry, what’s up?

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MAGGIE

(To JOE.) His boss is mad at him, all because of you.

JOE

What did I do?

MAGGIE

You’re making him late for work.

JOE

They can’t give the kid a few minutes to say goodbye to his dad? When Kelly had Noah,

they let him stay home for two weeks.

MAGGIE

That was for a baby. They’re not so understanding, when your father wants to be the

toast of Broadway.

ALAN

(Into phone.) I don’t know why we’re low on sausages, Larry; I’m not the the one who

does the ordering. But if you want me to take care of that, I will, as soon as I get there...

Uh-huh...Did you text Lynette? Sometimes she likes to pick up an extra shift...Well,

then I will text her or I will wait tables myself, okay?...Yeah, I know your dog has a

bladder problem. I have a family emergency...Yes, I know your dog is family...I have

two boys. I know all about mopping up pee....As soon as I can...As soon as...As soon

as I can, Larry.

He finishes on phone, rejoins parents.

ALAN

Why do people eat breakfast for dinner, anyway? Do they eat dinner for breakfast? Do

they dunk meatloaf in their morning coffee?

MAGGIE

If you’re running low on sausages, I have two packs in the freezer. And I could always

get more at Kroger’s and drop them off at the restaurant.

ALAN

I’ll handle it, Mom.

JOE

You should look for a different job.

ALAN

I’m trying to succeed at the one I have.

MAGGIE

You’re so good with kids. I always thought you’d make a wonderful pediatrician.

An Actor in the Family 11

ALAN

So, instead of two kids, I could worry about two thousand.

JOE

Or you could have gone to law school, then joined your mother’s firm.

ALAN

I didn’t want to go to law school.

JOE

Then why did you take the test?

ALAN

Because you wanted me to.

MAGGIE

Well, there must be something that suits you better than ‘Pirate Pancakes’. We always

said you could be anything you wanted.

ALAN

If I could be anything I wanted, I’d be playing second base for the Cubs. But sometimes

you have to recognize your limitations. Right, Dad?

JOE

Don’t get mad at us, pal. We’re your biggest fans.

ALAN

I know. I appreciate that. And I am doing okay, job-wise.

JOE

Sure. Sure you are. It’s not like you’re Biff Loman.

ALAN

Who’s Biff Loman?

JOE

Biff Loman. The troubled golden boy from Death of a Salesman. Finished it in the tub

last night. I’d love to play Willy on stage someday. That’s an actor’s dream, that is.

MAGGIE

You’re dreaming all right. I’m going to the kitchen. Alan, convince your father to stay. If

you need it, we have plenty of duct tape.

She exits.

An Actor in the Family 12

ALAN

Dad, you can’t be serious about New York.

JOE

I’m totally serious. I’ve got my plane ticket and a hotel room. If the flight runs on time, I

can catch a show this evening. Tomorrow, I have a an appointment with a realtor to

look at some apartments. Once that’s settled, I can search for an acting class.

ALAN

And you’re just going to leave it all behind? Me, Mom, Kelly, the kids, your home, your

life?

JOE

You won’t have to cut my grass, if that’s worrying you. I hired a lawn service. They’ll

plow the driveway in the winter, too.

ALAN

What about Mom?

JOE

She doesn’t need plowing.

ALAN

This isn’t a joke, Dad.

JOE

Tell that to your mother. I’d rather she go with me, you know. We’ve hardly ever been

apart for the last 43 years. But she won’t budge.

ALAN

Can you blame her?

JOE

Look, I know this plan seems a bit off-the-wall. But I don’t want to live out my life playing

golf and watching Jeopardy. This is my last chance to be passionate about something.

So I’m going for it. Can’t you convince your mom to go with me?

ALAN

I don’t want either of you to go anywhere.

JOE

Well, at least, you’ll get half of what you want.

ALAN

How can you leave her now? In her condition?

An Actor in the Family 13

JOE

What condition? The doctors said they removed it, didn’t they? All of it. And she did well

with her treatment. Now she goes to the gym five days a week. You should be so

healthy.

ALAN

This isn’t about me. It’s about you, being selfish...and...and...ridiculous.

JOE

How am I being ridiculous?

ALAN

Dad, please. You were an accountant for thirty years. An accountant, for Chrissakes.

JOE

So—what? I have to be an accountant forever? Why can’t I be an actor? Do

accountants not have feelings? If you prick us, do we not bleed?

ALAN

What?

JOE

Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice.

ALAN

That play is about accountants?

JOE

More or less.

ALAN

I’m sorry, I just don’t see you being an actor.

JOE

Because you can only see the ‘me’ you grew up with.

ALAN

Dad, you don’t know anything about acting.

JOE

That’s why I have to take classes, to catch up. And I’ve been reading this book by

Sanford Meisner. He’s a famous acting teacher. Taught Robert Duvall, Diane Keaton,

Jeff Goldblum, lots of stars. Once I get comfortable with his method, my acting will

improve one hundred percent. Hey, would you like to do one of his exercises with me?

I’ve tried this with your mom, but she says it gives her a headache. Come on, try this.

Stand across from me.

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ALAN

Dad...

JOE

It will only take a minute. It’s not like you have someplace better to be. Come on, try it.

It’s interesting.

ALAN reluctantly complies.

JOE

Okay. Now, relax, and focus all your attention on me, while I focus my attention on you.

Here’s how it works: I’m going to make a statement to you, and then you repeat that

statement back to me, and then I’ll say it back to you again, and you’ll say it back to me,

and we’ll explore our emotions as we keep saying it over and over. Are you ready?

ALAN

I have no idea what you’re talking about.

JOE

You’ll catch on. Okay, here we go. (Pause.) You look like a painter.

ALAN

A painter? Why would you say that? I look like a pirate. Don’t I look like a pirate? I’ve

been wearing this get-up for three years and no one has ever mistaken me for a painter.

JOE

I’m not saying you look like a painter. Well, no, I guess I am. But that’s the statement I’m

making to you. The one you repeat back to me.

ALAN

Why would you pick ‘painter’? Are you saying I should be a painter?

JOE

It’s a random statement. I could have said anything, like, ‘You look tired.’

ALAN

Of course, I look tired! I’m working my ass off at this crummy job, while I remodel the

bathroom, mow the lawn, and take care of my wife and kids! But thanks for telling me

that I look like I’m falling apart!

JOE

I never said that. Though you do look tired.

An Actor in the Family 15

ALAN

Did you pick ‘painter’’ because I took that painting class in college? Is art something

else I failed at, because I didn’t try hard enough?

JOE

I still have one of your paintings over my desk. That one with the fruit. That apple looks

so real, you could put it in a pie. I thought you had a flair for painting.

ALAN

Dad, you think I have a flair for everything. Unfortunately, the rest of the world doesn’t

see me like you do.

JOE

People don’t always see the possibilities in other people.

ALAN

Why are you doing this?

JOE

It’s supposed to teach me how to focus and allow my emotions to spring from what the

other actors are saying and doing. I’ve also been meditating and practicing tai chi,

because an actor needs to be comfortable in his entire body. I’m almost in tune with my

sciatica now.

ALAN

I mean, why are you doing this New York thing? Why do you suddenly want to be an

actor?

JOE

Oh. Well, I don’t know if I can explain it, exactly.

ALAN

Mom says this was triggered by a play you saw.

JOE

Yeah, we went to see Our Town. Do you know it?

ALAN

I’ve heard of it.

JOE

It’s a play about everyday life in a small town. But it’s also about being aware of our

everyday lives while we’re actually living them. Because mostly we don’t see our lives,

you know? I mean, see all of it. We may see the big things, like births and deaths and

the Cubs winning the World Series. But we don’t see the daily miracles, like...like that

moment when we’re eating cornflakes and sunlight suddenly falls across the table, just

An Actor in the Family 16

as a little boy in pajamas comes waddling into the kitchen. That’s an amazing moment,

Alan, but we’re so distracted by our work and our phones and our regrets that we don’t

realize that a fleeting miracle is happening right in front of our eyes. Do you understand

what I’m trying to say?

ALAN

Yeah, well, that’s life, right? A moment shoots by you like a race car at the Indy 500. And

there’s a million more right behind that one, all going just as fast.

JOE

Exactly! In our real lives, it’s almost impossible to be aware of all those moments. That’s

what Emily Webb realizes in the play; only it’s too late, she’s already dead. But her

discovery hit me hard, Alan. I realized I was blind to my own life, just like everyone else,

and I didn’t know how to change that. Because, maybe we’re not supposed to see these

things, you know? Maybe it would overwhelm us, like, when people get those ear

implants, and suddenly they can hear everything, only it’s too much noise. But then, I

went back to see Our Town a second time. And I discovered something else: The play

mentions saints and poets, but actors get to be aware of those moments, too. For the

brief time they’re on that stage, actors have this heightened sensitivity to everyone and

everything else around them. They’re living in this world they’ve created and they see it

and feel it. And it suddenly struck me that that is how I want to live the rest of my life—

on stage, in that heightened world, whether it’s a small town in New Hampshire or a

castle in Denmark or wherever. As Shakespeare said, ‘All the stage a world.’

ALAN

I’m pretty sure he said, ‘All the world’s a stage.’

JOE

It works both ways.

ALAN

You can’t live in a fantasy, Dad.

JOE

I know that. Who would want to live every day in Hamlet’s world? No one can live in that

unreality all the time. I’m not intending to go full Method. That’s why, when the play is

over, I’ll need all of you as much as I ever did. Only, hopefully, I’ll see you more clearly.

And I’ll feel more alive.

ALAN

We want you to feel alive. We really do. But, come on, be practical —you’re too old to

start this now.

JOE

‘You’re never too old to be the person you were meant to be.’ I read that somewhere.

Denzel Washington was older than me when he did Othello on Broadway.

An Actor in the Family 17

ALAN

Yes, but he started acting when he was young. He did it for a lifetime. You don’t have a

lifetime.

JOE

That’s why I need to start now. Immediately.

ALAN

Okay, so if you want to act, why not join the theater group at the River Playhouse? They

do shows all the time. You could be a star in your own back yard.

JOE

I applaud what they do at the Playhouse. I was very moved by Our Town. Good for

them. But it’s not enough.

ALAN

What do you mean?

JOE

The Playhouse is too safe, Alan. If I’m going to be serious about this, I need to plunge in

over my head. Swim or get out of the acting pool.

ALAN

Look, I think I know what’s going on here. You’re having a late-life crisis. I get it. No one

likes getting older. I wake up, I look in the bathroom mirror, I see years that weren’t

there yesterday. I get it. You’re feeling your mortality. So, why not do what guys your age

normally do? Buy a Ferrari. Get a tattoo. Heck, we’ll both get tattoos. Maybe the kind

that wash off, for a start. What do you say?

JOE

A Ferrari? How would I even get into one of those, with my back? And do you know

what parking costs in New York? I’d be better off with a scooter.

ALAN

Okay, okay! Forget the Ferrari. Just don’t leave Mom all alone. She’ll worry herself sick

— even more sick.

JOE

I’m not leaving your mom. I said, ‘Till death do us part,’ and I meant it. If your Mom

needs me, I’ll be here. Your mother’s an independent woman, though. Always has been.

She’ll be fine.

ALAN

Dad that’s...Dad you...Dad...Oh, I give up. If you’re determined to ruin your life, I don’t

know what I can do to stop you. I still think —

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He is interrupted by his phone

ringing. He looks at it and sighs.

ALAN

I’d better take this outside. (Into phone.) I’m here, Larry...

ALAN exits stage right. MAGGIE

re-enters.

JOE

(After ALAN.) ’Exit, pursued by a bear.’

MAGGIE

What bear?

JOE

Shakespeare’s bear, from The Winter’s Tale. It’s on the shelf. You should read it.

MAGGIE

I’ll pick it up, next time I’m in the shower. Where did Alan go?

JOE

Another call from his boss. Took it outside, so we wouldn’t overhear. (Looks at watch.)

Omigosh! Look at the time. That driver’s going to be here soon, and I’m not half-packed.

MAGGIE

It’s criminal that Alan is stuck in that awful job. He was a such a bright, talented boy.

JOE

Still is. Though, to be honest, I’m glad he hasn’t tried the theater. We just did that acting

exercise, and he was totally clueless. And I wouldn’t bring up painting, either, if I were

you.

MAGGIE

He did that painting over your desk. That apple looks so real you could put it in a pie.

JOE

And the eggplant isn’t bad, either.

MAGGIE

You mean, the grapes?

JOE

That purple blob is grapes?

An Actor in the Family 19

MAGGIE

He just needed more practice. I’m guessing he didn’t convince you to stay.

JOE

He tried.

MAGGIE

This might be the dumbest idea you’ve ever had. Dumber than that time-share in

Nebraska.

JOE

They said Omaha was ‘the Paris of the Plains.’

MAGGIE

I stopped you then, Joe...

JOE

And, as I said then, you’re welcome to come with me. You’d be happy in New York —

shopping, visiting museums...

MAGGIE

...Riding the rats in Central Park.

JOE

I’m trying to be serious.

MAGGIE

So am I. I already know how to appreciate life, Joe. Cancer taught me that. The sun

comes up, I get up. I exercise, I cook, I read, I watch TV, I garden, I see our grandkids, I

never get bored. But a new day isn’t enough for you. You want something better than

the life you have. Something better than the wife you have—a wife who gets old...and

sick.

JOE

No! No! It’s got nothing to do with that. I love you, Maggie. I always have and I always

will. Every exciting thing I discover in New York, I’ll think, ‘I wish Maggie were here to

share this with me.’ You have to believe that. I don’t want to go without you. But, if I

don’t go, I’ll make us both miserable.

MAGGIE

Then let’s be miserable. At least here, we’ll have closet space.

JOE

Come with me, Maggie. I’m not sure I can make it to Broadway without you.

An Actor in the Family 20

MAGGIE

I’m not sure you can make it to the kitchen without me.

JOE

Come with me. You promised.

MAGGIE

What did I promise?

JOE

‘For better or for worse.’

MAGGIE

I thought ‘worse’ would be another woman, not a revival of Brigadoon.

JOE

Come with me. I need you there.

MAGGIE

(She hesitates.) You’re bluffing, Joe. You’re not going anywhere.

JOE

I am, Maggie. The car is coming and I’m going. I want you to come with me.

MAGGIE

You don’t know what you want..

ALAN re-enters with JAY, a woman,

mid-20s, tattooed; casually, even

sloppily, attired.

ALAN

Your ride is here.

JAY

I texted, but you didn’t respond. (Referring to ALAN.) When I saw this guy, I was, like, ‘Is

the circus in town?’

ALAN

I’m not a cIown. I’m a manager at ‘Pirate Pancakes.’

JAY

Oh yeah. That was my second guess.

JOE

I’m sorry, but I’m not quite ready. Won’t you sit down, while I finish packing?

An Actor in the Family 21

JAY

I guess I could wait a sec. But you’d better be quick, if we wanna beat the traffic.

JOE

I’ll be with you anon.

JOE exits.

ALAN

You’re wasting your time here. My dad isn’t going anywhere today.

JAY

Yeah? Well, he still owes the cancellation fee.

ALAN

He’ll pay it, don’t worry.

JAY

Plus a tip, right?

ALAN

Well, not if you don’t drive him anywhere.

JAY

I make most of my money off tips.

ALAN

I know all about tips. I work in the restaurant business, remember?

JAY

As a pirate. Is that, like, a full-time job?

ALAN

Yes. I have benefits.

JAY

Like what? All the rum you can drink?

ALAN

Like, paid vacation. Which I doubt you have.

JAY

Paid vacation and a plastic sword. You’re livin’ the life, dude.

An Actor in the Family 22

MAGGIE

Alan, go on, give the girl a nice tip, for her trouble.

ALAN

(Taking out his wallet.) Nobody’s tipping me for mine.

JAY

I accept Visa, Mastercard, and gold doubloons.

ALAN hands bill to JAY.

JAY

(Looks at money.) Pretty lame, for a trip to the airport.

ALAN

Except you’re not actually driving him to the airport, are you?

JAY

Is that my fault?

MAGGIE

Give her another five, Alan. I’ll pay you back.

ALAN

You don’t have to pay me back, Mom. Here!

He gives JAY another bill.

JAY

Thanks. Can I go now?

ALAN

Please!

JAY

Have a good one.

She starts to leave as JOE re-enters

with a suitcase.

JOE

Hey! Where are you going?

JAY

(Indicates ALAN.) He said I should leave.

An Actor in the Family 23

JOE

You don’t work for him, you work for me. Take this suitcase to the car. And come right

back. I’ll give you a big tip.

ALAN

I already gave her a tip.

JAY

No, he didn’t.

ALAN

Yes, I did! Are you trying to screw us over?

JAY

Okay, he did. But I’m worth a lot more. I mean, I make really good conversation without

even taking my eyes off the road.

MAGGIE

I’ll bet you never text while you drive.

ALAN

Mom, I promise you — I pulled over.

JAY

(To JOE.) Okay, I’ll be back.

JOE

I’ll keep packing.

JAY exits stage right with suitcase.

JOE exits stage left.

ALAN

This is insane. We have to stop it.

MAGGIE

I still think he’s bluffing.

ALAN

But what if he isn’t? There must be something we can do. Could we lock him in the

closet?

MAGGIE

That’s it! We’ll lure him into the closet, then the Three Stooges can quickly shove a

piano against the door!

An Actor in the Family 24

ALAN

I’m brainstorming here, Mom, okay? So...what if I say...my car won’t start? He’d want to

stay and help me, right? Then he’d miss his plane and we’d have more time to work on

him..

MAGGIE

He knows you have Triple A. We pay for your membership. You’ll have to do better than

that.

ALAN

I’m trying, Mom!

MAGGIE

I know, sweetheart. You’re very good at trying.

ALAN

Well, then, what else is there? (Pauses.) I know —Tell him your cancer has come back.

MAGGIE

What?

ALAN

Tell him your cancer has come back. He’ll never leave, if he thinks you’re sick.

MAGGIE

That’s a despicable idea.

ALAN

Do you have a better one? You know it would work.

MAGGIE

Yes, it would work. But I won’t do it.

ALAN

Why not? Desperate times, Mom.

MAGGIE

First of all, I don’t want to attract bad karma. What if I said it and then the cancer

actually did come back?

ALAN

You can’t get cancer by talking about it.

MAGGIE

There are strange forces, Alan. Forces we know nothing about. I don’t want them

turning their eyes on me.

An Actor in the Family 25

ALAN

Well, there are plenty of strange forces here, that’s for sure. Look, do you want him to

stay or not?

MAGGIE

Of course I want him to stay. I love your father and he loves me.

ALAN

Then we need to leverage that. You’ve always been good at making him to do things he

doesn’t want to do.

MAGGIE

Such as what?

ALAN

You got him to shave off that beard.

MAGGIE

I told him that kissing a Brillo pad was bad for my complexion and his love life.

ALAN

And you talked him into retiring.

MAGGIE

I encouraged him to retire. I wonder now if that was a mistake. He didn’t love

accounting, but at least it held his attention.

ALAN

The point is, you persuaded him.

MAGGIE

As I’ve tried to persuade him about this, Alan. It hasn’t worked.

ALAN

But you haven’t said the word ‘cancer.’

MAGGIE

And I won’t say it.

ALAN

Will you, at least, consider it? You’d be saving Dad from himself.

MAGGIE puts a finger to her lips as

JOE and JAY return.

An Actor in the Family 26

JOE

I can’t find my reading glasses. Ah, there they are. Can’t read a script without my

glasses.

MAGGIE

(To herself.) Then I wish they were sleeping with the bagpipes.

JAY

You an actor? ‘Cause I don’t recognize you.

ALAN

He’s not an actor.

JOE

I’m not an actor yet, but...(He crosses his fingers.) That’s why I’m going to New York.

JAY

That’s cool. New York is cool.

JOE

Have you been there?

JAY

Only watching TV. Maybe someday.

JOE

When you get there, look me up. If I’m playing in something, I’ll get you tickets.

JAY

Do you think it might be Aladdin? I always wanted to see Aladdin. But my mom said

genies are the work of the devil, and she should know, because she and the Devil are

tight. Anyway, I might not be going to New York soon. It depends.

JOE

Don’t be like me. I almost waited too long.

He exits stage left.

ALAN

Yeah, it took him years to lose all his marbles.

JAY

Really? My mom loses hers, like, daily.

MAGGIE

What’s your name, young lady?

An Actor in the Family 27

JAY

My mom named me Violet.

MAGGIE

Violet. That’s a pretty name.

JAY

But I go by ‘Jay.’

MAGGIE

Why is that?

JAY

‘Cause I hate the name ‘Violet.’

MAGGIE

Jay, should my husband go to New York?

ALAN

Mom, it’s none of her business.

JAY

That’s okay. I’m happy to pitch in.

MAGGIE

She’s a disinterested third party, Alan. Maybe she can help.

ALAN

Oh, yes. She’s obviously a trained professional.

JAY

Dude, I drive people all day. This ain’t my first therapy session.

MAGGIE

It’s just that my husband’s acting a bit crazy.

JAY

He’s not gonna murder me on the way to the airport, is he?

MAGGIE

Oh, no, no, no. It’s not like that. He’s fine. He’s perfectly fine. It’s only that he’s become

fixated on this idea of becoming a Broadway actor, and we’re not sure that it’s a feasible

desire. We think he should stay here, with his family. But he thinks we’re stopping him

from achieving his dream.

An Actor in the Family 28

JAY

Dreams are cool. Families? That depends.

MAGGIE

Do you have family, besides your mom?

JAY

I got a sister. She lives in Columbus with her husband and her dog.

MAGGIE

Do you miss her?

JAY

I miss the dog.

MAGGIE

If you moved to New York, I’ll bet your mother would miss you.

JAY

She’d miss climbing on my back every day. It’s the only exercise she gets.

MAGGIE

Maybe she’s worried about you.

JAY

She’s only worried that I’ll drink her last beer. That’s why I drive, you know? To get a

break from her. If she doesn’t ease up, one day I’m gonna drive right out of her life.

Probably all the way to California. But first, I need to make some dough.

MAGGIE

What would you do in California?

JAY

I dunno. Maybe become a dog walker. Or work in one of those bakeries that sell treats

for dogs.

MAGGIE

You like dogs.

JAY

Dogs are cool. I mean, sometimes they poke their nose in your crotch, but mostly they

just lean on you in a nice way.

MAGGIE

Does your mother like dogs?

An Actor in the Family 29

JAY

She doesn’t like my sister’s dog. But she likes my sister. Which just shows you what

lousy taste she has.

MAGGIE

Since you like dogs so much, maybe you could be a dog groomer. Or even a

veterinarian.

ALAN

Yeah, you can be anything you want. Anything in the world. Just ask my mother.

MAGGIE

If you could be anything in the world, what would you be?

JAY

Probablyyyyyy...rich.

ALAN

Gee, why didn’t we all think of that? Forget about a career — just ‘be rich.’ Brilliant!

MAGGIE

Alan, be nice.

JAY

Yeah, Captain Crunch. Be nice.

ALAN

Mom, whose side are you on here?

MAGGIE

I’m always on your side, Alan. I’m your mother. (To JAY.) If you were a vet, you wouldn’t

need to go to California. There are plenty of pets right here that need good medical

care.

JAY

That’s true. ’Course, to do that, I’d have to go to vet school, right?

ALAN

The pets would appreciate it.

JAY

Yeah, see, that’s a problem. I never really cared for school that much. I mean, some

kids really get off on it, which is cool. But for me, it was like being on my period every

damn day. Just one more thing for my mom to get psycho about.

An Actor in the Family 30

ALAN

School? Or your period?

JAY

She was afraid I’d skip both. Anyway, my dream right now is to scrape up enough

money to escape from Alcatraz and get my own apartment. And then scrape up some

more money for maybe, like, California.

ALAN

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but, if you’re truly looking for extra money, we can always

use servers at the restaurant. Just show up and I’ll be eternally grateful.

JAY

Would I have to wear a pirate costume?

ALAN

It’s our brand.

JAY

Hmm. Could I have a hook?

ALAN

You mean, like Captain Hook?

JAY

Yeah. I always liked that guy. I could cram, like, a whole stack of pancakes on my hook

and drop them on the customer’s plate, one by one.

ALAN

I’d have to check with my boss about that.

JAY

Nah, it would never work. My mom would always be bugging me for free food, which is

the last thing she needs. You know what they say: ‘Lie down with pancakes, get up with

pounds.’

MAGGIE

It seems like you and your mother don’t get along.

JAY

Unfortunately, my mom was born with a condition I call it ‘chronic bitch-itis’. And she’s

been inflicting it on me for 25 years. So it’s no big shock that I always dreamed of being

an orphan. Who knows? I could still get lucky.

An Actor in the Family 31

MAGGIE

I’ve always believed that parents should encourage their children, no matter how

hopeless they seem.

ALAN

Thanks a lot, Ma.

MAGGIE

Oh, Alan, I’m not talking about you. I’m referring to other people’s hopeless children.

Alan’s phone dings. He checks it.

ALAN

Larry’s texting me again.

MAGGIE

Is he still angry?

ALAN

It’s a string of middle finger emojis. What’s your guess?

MAGGIE

One phone call, Alan.

JAY

Is this guy, like, your husband?

ALAN

He’s my boss.

JAY

Is he single? Sounds like the perfect guy for my mom.

ALAN

This is his eloquent way of telling me to hurry.

MAGGIE

This is all our fault.

ALAN

Don’t worry, he won’t fire me. Who else would empty the mouse traps?

MAGGIE

I wish he would fire you.

An Actor in the Family 32

JAY

Yeah, dude, then you could spend your free time, like, sailing the Spanish Main.

ALAN

Shouldn’t you be driving yourself to rehab?

JAY

I really should get back on the road. Can you tell your dad to speed it up?

MAGGIE

I’ll go see if I can help him unpack. By the way, if you like chicken salad, there’s some

in the fridge. I made it last night, so it’s still fresh.

JAY

I’m good, thanks.

MAGGIE exits. ALAN and JAY sit

in awkward silence. Finally...

JAY

Nice place.

ALAN

Yeah.

JAY

I’d like a house like this, someday.

ALAN

So would I.

JAY

Your folks seem nice.

ALAN

Thanks. They came with the house.

JAY

They support you.

ALAN

Oh, yes. They support me. They support the hell out of me.

JAY

When I asked my mom what I should be when I grew up, you know what she said?

An Actor in the Family 33

ALAN

What?

JAY

‘Incarcerated.’

ALAN

Your mom has a wicked sense of humor.

JAY

It came with her drinking habit.

ALAN

At least she doesn’t burden you with expectations. My parents keep waiting for me to

reveal my hidden talents. It’s been like that my whole life. I mean, when I was a kid, I

played Little League baseball. And I was terrible. I mean, terrible. I made Charlie Brown

look like Ernie Banks.

JAY

I don’t know who that is.

ALAN

Charlie Brown?

JAY

He’s the mopey kid from that Christmas show. The other guy.

ALAN

You don’t know Ernie Banks? He’s, like, the greatest Cub ever.

JAY

So he was a lot better than you, because you were terrible.

ALAN

Exactly. But I was desperate to be a little less terrible. Which I knew I could be, if I could

only hit the ball. Just make contact. Any kind of contact. A dribbler, a bloop, a foul ball,

for Chrissakes. But did I make contact? No. I kept striking out. And my dad would say,

‘You’ll get ‘em next time,’ and my mom would say, ‘Just keep doing your best.’ The

problem was, I was already doing my best and my best sucked. After a while, I stopped

waving and missing and just stood there, paralyzed, with the bat on my shoulder,

praying for a walk. I mean, we always said, ‘A walk’s as good as a hit’, right? But every

kid who’s ever swung a bat knows that’s a lie.

JAY

If you were so stressed out, why didn't you stop playing?

An Actor in the Family 34

ALAN

And admit that I was hopeless?

JAY

Okay, then, why didn’t you ask your parents to stay away from the field?

ALAN

Because I was a kid. A kid doesn’t think about practical solutions. A kid believes in

superheroes that save the day. A kid believes in miracles. So, instead of talking to my

parents, I imagined the other team coming down with food poisoning. Or that we’d take

a wrong turn on the way to the game and wind up in Iowa. I prayed that a satellite would

plunge out of orbit, plummet into the pitcher’s mound, and contaminate the field with

radiation, so I’d never have to bat again. But the most that ever happened was a rain-

out. And even then, they just re-scheduled the game, so I could suck on a different day.

There was nothing I could do to escape my fate, which was to fail at baseball, while my

parents cringed in the stands. Do you know what it’s like to keep disappointing the

people you love?

JAY

Only since the day I was born.

ALAN

Yeah, well, maybe so. Anyway, here I am, doing it again. Mr. and Mrs. Stover are the

proud parents of Long John Loser.

JOE and MAGGIE re-enter. JOE

has a carry-on bag.

JOE

(To JAY.) I guess I’ve got everything.

JAY

We should hit the road, then.

JOE

You know, we still have a few minutes. Before we go...would you like to see me act?

JAY

Uhhh...you mean, now? Right here?

JOE

Here. Now. I mean, if you don’t make it to New York, this could be your only chance. I’ve

got an audition piece that I’ve been working on. I’d like to get an unbiased opinion.

ALAN

Hear that, Mom? We’re biased, because we’re not crazy.

An Actor in the Family 35

JAY

Don’t you need, like, a stage or something?

JOE

We can do it right here. I’ve worked on it mostly in the garage, but this is a better

dramatic space.

MAGGIE

Maybe you should try the closet.

JOE

The closet? No, no, this is fine.

ALAN

You’re going to embarrass yourself, Dad.

JOE

That’s the chance every actor must take. Now, imagine that you’re in a Broadway

theater.

JAY

I don’t know what that looks like.

JOE

Rows of seats filled with people.

JAY

Like a concert. Got it.

JOE

Maggie, you might recognize this speech. It’s from Our Town. (To JAY.) Have you heard

of Our Town?

JAY

Dude, I live here.

JOE

I mean Our Town, the play by Thornton Wilder. Have you heard of that?

JAY

Maybe.

JOE

It’s a play, so it’s not like a movie, where they show you everything. You have to imagine

things. That’s what actors and playwrights do, though, right? They make imaginary

things seem real.

An Actor in the Family 36

JAY

What kind of things?

JOE

Like, the town in this play. A small town in New Hampshire. You have to imagine the

streets and buildings.

MAGGIE

And a cow pulling a milk wagon.

JOE

That was actually a horse, sweetie.

MAGGIE

The milkman called her ‘Bessie.’ ‘Bessie’ is a cow’s name.

JOE

I can see how that might be confusing. Trust me, it was a horse.

JAY

Was the milkman imaginary, too?

JOE

No, he was Roger Curry. He’s our pharmacist.

JAY

How about the milk wagon?

MAGGIE

Well, you couldn’t have an imaginary cow pulling an actual wagon.

ALAN

It was a horse, Mom.

MAGGIE

Then they should have spelled that out in the program.

ALAN

“Tonight the part of ‘Bessie’ will be played by an imaginary horse.”

JAY

How about a dog? Or a lizard? Lizards are cool.

ALAN

A lizard pulling a milk wagon?

An Actor in the Family 37

JAY

If it’s imaginary, why can’t it be a lizard?

ALAN

Because even the imaginary stuff has to feel — I don’t know — real?

JAY

Lizards are real. I know a guy who has one!

JOE

Whoa! Whoa! We’re getting off track here. Thornton Wilder wrote the play and he said it

was a horse, so we probably should take his word for it.

JAY

(Clapping.) Start the show! Start the show! Start the show! Start the show!

JOE

I will, I will. Give me one second to prepare.

He shakes out his arms, adjusts his

stance.

Now, you have to imagine that night has fallen and a church bell has just chimed the

hour.

He composes himself, then breaks.

Don’t expect this to be perfect.

ALAN

We’re not expecting anything.

JAY and MAGGIE

SHHHHH!

Joe’s performance of the following

speech is surprisingly good.

JOE

‘Most everybody’s asleep in Grover’s Corners. There are a few lights on: Shorty

Hawkins, down at the depot, has just watched the Albany train go by. And at the livery

stable somebody’s setting up late and talking. — Yes, it’s clearing up. There are the

stars—doing their old, old crisscross journeys in the sky. Scholars haven’t settled the

matter yet, but they seem to think there are no living beings up there. Just chalk...or

fire. Only this one is straining away, straining away all the time to make something of

itself. The strain’s so bad that every sixteen hours everybody lies down and gets a rest.

An Actor in the Family 38

Hm...Eleven o’clock in Grover’s Corners—You get a good rest, too. Good night.’ (He

breaks.) End of play.

JAY

Whoo-hoo! Yeah! That was awesome, dude. Two thumbs up!

JOE

(Bows.) I thank you and Mr. Wilder thanks you. Always nice to hear an encouraging

word.

JAY

I totally get why you like doing that. For a minute there, you really grabbed my attention,

you know? Like there was a big spotlight right on you. Like Taylor Swift, only, like, you

know, not that awesome. But, yeah, great. Do it, dude. Chase that acting dream.

JOE

That’s the plan.

JAY

Maybe, next time, include that part with the lizard.

JOE

I’ll try.

ALAN

That’s right, Dad — take advice from this total stranger, who has no direction in her own

life.

JAY

Dude, if I wanna be ragged on, I got a mother who’ll give me a life-time supply. (To

JOE.) Now, are we going to the airport today or not? ‘Cause time is money, and this

time ain’t paying my bills. One way or another, I gotta go.

JOE

Here’s my bag. I’ll be with you in a second.

JAY

Okay, well, nice meet all of you. (To JAY.) Good luck with your boss there, matey.

Maybe someday I’ll drop by for some pancakes. I still think you could serve them on a

hook.

MAGGIE

Good luck to you, young lady. And think about what we discussed.

JAY

What was that?

An Actor in the Family 39

MAGGIE

About you becoming a veterinarian. I’d be happy to write you a recommendation.

JAY

Oh, yeah, right, thanks. That’s really nice of you. I’ll definitely keep it in mind. I mean,

my mom would love it. She’s always wanted to try horse tranquilizers. Anyway, gotta go.

JAY exits.

ALAN

Mom, what were you doing? There’s no way that girl is going to veterinary school.

MAGGIE

How do you know? With a little encouragement, she could be anything.

ALAN

I’m not even sure she finished high school.

MAGGIE

Neither did Abraham Lincoln.

ALAN

Did you write him a letter of recommendation?

We hear a car horn.

JOE

Well, I hate to break up the party, but I guess it’s time for me to, you know...

MAGGIE

You’re really going to do this?

JOE

Yes.

MAGGIE

Even though I’ve asked you not to go.

JOE

It’s a funny thing, Maggie. You’ve questioned my sanity. You’ve doubted my sincerity.

You’ve brushed aside my explanations. But you haven’t actually asked me not to go.

Why is that?

An Actor in the Family 40

MAGGIE

Would it matter, if I asked you now?

JOE

It would make leaving more difficult, but, at this point, I don’t believe it would stop me.

MAGGIE

It’s that important to you.

JOE

I can’t speak for the future. Right now, it is that important.

MAGGIE

Then I won’t ask.

JOE

Thank you.

ALAN

Dad, Mom has something she needs to tell you. Something huge. Don’t you, Mom?

MAGGIE

Alan...

ALAN

Go on. Tell him.

JOE

Tell me what?

ALAN

Go on! Go on! Tell him. If you don’t, I will.

MAGGIE

Alan...

Car honks impatiently.

JOE

What is it, Maggie? That girl is waiting.

MAGGIE

There’s something Alan wants me to tell you.

JOE

Which is?

An Actor in the Family 41

MAGGIE

Which is...

ALAN

For God’s sakes, Mom —say it!

MAGGIE

(Pause.) Break a leg, Joe.

ALAN

Strike three!

JOE

Thank you, sweetie. Is that it?

MAGGIE

That’s it. Break a leg.

Longer blast from the car horn.

JOE

I really have to go.

JOE crosses to MAGGIE, kisses her.

JOE

(To MAGGIE.) I’ll text you when I get there and call you tonight...and every night.

MAGGIE

Have a safe trip.

JOE

Good luck with your job, son. Bring your kids to New York some time. We’ll go to a

game.

JOE exits stage right. MAGGIE looks

after him for a few moments.

ALAN

(Shouts after JOE.) Don’t tip that girl! (To MAGGIE.) Why didn’t you tell him? He would

have stayed!

An Actor in the Family 42

MAGGIE

And when I didn’t get sick? What lie would I tell then? A false positive? A miracle cure? I

won’t cheat to win, Alan. I especially won’t cheat your father.

ALAN

Okay, it’s your funeral.

MAGGIE

Not yet, it’s not. Anyway, thanks for coming. You’d better get to work.

ALAN

What work? I don’t have any work. While Dad was ‘auditioning’, I texted Larry that I quit.

MAGGIE

Good for you! What did he say?

ALAN

Mostly curse words and unnatural suggestions.

MAGGIE

Well, I’m sure it was a difficult decision, but it’s the right one.

ALAN

The difficult part will be explaining to Kelly that we’re a one-income family. I’m not sure

how she’ll take it.

MAGGIE

Tell her you love her with all your heart, but you hated that job even more. She’ll

understand. She wants you to be happy. We all do. On the bright side, now that you’re

not working, you can go to Jake’s game tonight.

ALAN

That’s true. I hope he can take the pressure.

MAGGIE

Oh, that reminds me...(She retrieves a baseball bat from somewhere.) I found this in

the garage.

She hands bat to ALAN.

ALAN

My old baseball bat.

MAGGIE

I thought Jake might like it. It’s barely been used.

An Actor in the Family 43

ALAN

You know, Jake is honestly pretty good. If he keeps practicing, I think he could make the

middle school team.

MAGGIE

I’m sure he could. And you can watch his entire game tonight, after you drop me at the

airport.

ALAN

The airport? Where are you going?

MAGGIE

New York, of course. I can’t let your father face the Big Apple by himself. He’ll need

someone to dust him off, when they knock him down.

ALAN

But you don’t have a ticket.

MAGGIE

I do now. I can do more in the kitchen than make chicken salad, Alan.

ALAN

In that case, why didn’t you leave with Dad?

MAGGIE

I’m not sure. Maybe I needed to see him go.

ALAN

This is unbelievable. Okay...how long will you be gone?

MAGGIE

Until we come back, I suppose. We’ll figure it out. Would you mind picking up our mail?

ALAN

You’re both insane, you know that?

MAGGIE

Better crazy together than normal apart. And, believe it or not, many years ago, we did

something even crazier than this, and it worked out just fine.

ALAN

What was that?

MAGGIE

We decided to have a child. Now, while I change and throw some things in my bag, you

can pack up the chicken salad. I’ve already added your dried cranberries.

An Actor in the Family 44

She starts to exit.

ALAN

Mom...do you really think I could be a doctor?

MAGGIE

You can be anything you put your mind to, Alan.

MAGGIE exits.

ALAN

Examines the bat. He swings

the bat several times. Then he takes a

hitter’s stance, begins to narrate...

‘Bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, two outs, Cubs trailing by three. Alan Stover at the

plate. He eyes the pitcher, digs in. The crowd is on its feet, roaring for Stover to save

the day. He cocks his bat, waiting. Now here’s the wind and the pitch...(He begins a

slow-motion swing, then makes a ‘tock’ sound as the imaginary ball contacts the bat.)

It’s a high drive to left, going back, back, way back...(He raises arms in triumph.) Cubs

win! Cubs win! I win!

Blackout. End of play.